Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Resolute

I have been thinking a little about my posts lately. Considering I spend so much time composing them in my head, for some reason when it comes to spewing them onto my keyboard something entirely different comes out!
So here is the real post I have been thinking about this week.
I have been doing a bit of retrospective thinking as well as making some resolutions. I have only just thought about the root of that word, 'resolution'. Now that I see it away from new year wishes, a resolution is a problem solver... a fixer... a thing to be resolute about.
So what are my issues? I have been looking back over the year and thinking about its highs and lows. What I celebrated and where I struggled and the themes are re-occurring. Friendships, family (or lack of), relationships, creativity. Nothing new there.
Something I'm chuffed to note is the lack of this fella... so aptly named by many as the 'black dog' but named by me as THE FEAR. He has passed through my neighbourhood a couple of times this year, but its been a while since he last sat hunched ominously on the end of my bed.
This year I read an amazing description by another blogger of the 'Bastard Black Dogs' place in her life and recently I have been discussing with a wonderful friend what to do about hers.
This week I can feel the dog a-creeping. Right at the edges of my vision he is lurking. But, although my sense of panic and the need to be constantly in the company of others is there, this time I know why he is visiting. And it's because I have invited him.
There is someone in my life who represents all that is screwed up about me. I'm aware enough to know that he is the symptom, not the cause. But I have spent the last 2 years of my life playing push-me-pull me with him, creating for myself all kinds of highs and lows. Sometimes he is my rock. And sometimes he is my stormy ocean. And sometimes both at the same time.
For the first time ever I have made 2 resolutions this year and I think they ultimately amount to the same thing.
Resolution 1: Next Christmastime, this person will not play an important role in my life.
Resolution 2: I will not run away from things that feel too hard to deal with.
By making these resolves I have opened up that chink, cracked the door and the dog wants in.
This time last year I was pro-active about THE FEAR. Isn't it funny how it's only when he is furthest away that you can see him clearly? But, related to resolution 2, it didn't last. I think it's time to try again, today, on a good day.....while I'm still capable of going to the supermarket without dread!

12 comments:

M* (Melanie) said...

A great and interesting post Victoria. It's funny, I have a friend like yours from time to time too. I think the first step to beating him is understanding him and preparing for what you know might happen which is what you are doing. Thanks for sharing.

Susan L (lily40au) said...

I can relate ... there's nothing like self doubt to drag things to a stand still. I guess one day at a time is all you can do ... I know my progress feels so slow at times, especially when I see how others seem to be able to steam ahead.

Leonie Guld said...

Stand tall lovely lady and sink your boots firmly in the ground. Just remember the winds can be as strong as they like, threatening to blow you over and snap you in half......but..... if your roots are deep and you are surrounded by others (your good friends..the real ones) you will be just fine when the storm passes. You know what you want...its up to you now. xx

Jodie said...

The fear is a big one...and a constant thing to watchful for - but you are so much fun and full of life and introspection and the fear should be scared of you !

teddybearswednesday said...

this is a really amazing post so honest and brave I think. I also have a friend like yours, who like yours is back again at the moment. You know I think this time of year can be a big time for it. Looking back looking forward and at times feeling frozen and bleak. The Fear is a big part of my life too, I just wish I could be so upfront and honest about it, I tend to shy away from sharing such things on my blog or others because of fear ( here we go again) of being rejected. Your post is so inspiring to me. I do really hope you can achieve what you want, and the certain person will not be a power in your life.
thanks so much in the mean time. You've helped me.x

RoLuc said...

I'm going to watch you kick some ass this year.

Kim said...

Go Steph. You show that so-called "friend" fear who's boss!! Love your honesty, gorgeous girl.

Polka Dot Rabbit said...

I nodded and nodded reading through your thoughtful post. I can definitely relate with my own black dog who likes to visit...

thanks for the response on my blog also, I don't read beauty mags either! I just can't relate so they don't hold my interest :)

Umatji said...

oh I was just thinking about a black dog post today and did a different one instead - memory collection in the bushfire time. but thanks for yours/ The dog is knocking here at the moment and I am trying my strategy of embracing him, french kissing him and hoping he will be shocked into leaving. thanks for posting I needed it/
x

Rachelle said...

thanks so much for your hospitality yesterday. i went home full of enthusiasm and finished my two bags!!! now just into the bunny alphabet - that's another story!
look forward to the next one.

Cath from chunkychooky said...

Hello, I am new to your blog so forgive me for being so brazen with some wise words:

it is not the events in our lives that make us happy or sad or anxious its the way we interpret them, you have control ovr the way you interpret them for sure.
x

Chook said...

Hey :)
You know me and know i'm not the least bit 'god-y'...but there is a prayer that I believe is used by Alcoholics Anonymous members.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I've found it to be very true in all things to do with living in a depression. Accept and put aside all the things you can't change until you're out of the depression. Change the things you can while you're able. And finally accept that not every time you're going to make the right choices at the right time. Life is a work in progress, if this month isn't so good, at least you can look forward to a brighter one in the future.

Cheers Chickadee!
Kate