So here is the real post I have been thinking about this week.
I have been doing a bit of retrospective thinking as well as making some resolutions. I have only just thought about the root of that word, 'resolution'. Now that I see it away from new year wishes, a resolution is a problem solver... a fixer... a thing to be resolute about.
So what are my issues? I have been looking back over the year and thinking about its highs and lows. What I celebrated and where I struggled and the themes are re-occurring. Friendships, family (or lack of), relationships, creativity. Nothing new there.
Something I'm chuffed to note is the lack of this fella... so aptly named by many as the 'black dog' but named by me as THE FEAR. He has passed through my neighbourhood a couple of times this year, but its been a while since he last sat hunched ominously on the end of my bed.
This year I read an amazing description by another blogger of the 'Bastard Black Dogs' place in her life and recently I have been discussing with a wonderful friend what to do about hers.
This week I can feel the dog a-creeping. Right at the edges of my vision he is lurking. But, although my sense of panic and the need to be constantly in the company of others is there, this time I know why he is visiting. And it's because I have invited him.
There is someone in my life who represents all that is screwed up about me. I'm aware enough to know that he is the symptom, not the cause. But I have spent the last 2 years of my life playing push-me-pull me with him, creating for myself all kinds of highs and lows. Sometimes he is my rock. And sometimes he is my stormy ocean. And sometimes both at the same time.
For the first time ever I have made 2 resolutions this year and I think they ultimately amount to the same thing.
Resolution 1: Next Christmastime, this person will not play an important role in my life.
Resolution 2: I will not run away from things that feel too hard to deal with.
By making these resolves I have opened up that chink, cracked the door and the dog wants in.
This time last year I was pro-active about THE FEAR. Isn't it funny how it's only when he is furthest away that you can see him clearly? But, related to resolution 2, it didn't last. I think it's time to try again, today, on a good day.....while I'm still capable of going to the supermarket without dread!